Stories

Stories >> Stories home >> Can you fix my Daddy in heaven?

Can you fix my Daddy in heaven?

All Adam wanted was to meet his son...


Published by: Rachel Butler and Jean Jollands
Published on: 30 August 2012

As an ex-soldier, my hubby Adam was used to following orders. He'd completed missions in Bosnia, but this was his most important one yet.
‘Come on, Daddy,' our daughter Kayleigh, three, grinned. ‘Come inside the dolls' tent!'
‘Okay,' Adam grinned, squeezing himself into the pink pop-up tent we'd set up in the living room. Next thing, he was pretending to sip tea from one of her toy teacups.
‘You'd never guess you used to be in the army,' I chuckled, snuggled up on the sofa with 18-month-old Ashley-May.
I had never been more content. Me and Adam had met six years before, now we were married and had our precious girls.
Despite being exhausted after a day's work at his immigration officer's job, Adam loved nothing more than being with his kids. That was a relief as I'd just discovered I was expecting a third child. But when I was just 10 weeks gone, I woke with a start one morning.
My pillow was drenched in sweat and my heart was pounding. I'd had the most terrible nightmare.
‘It was awful,' I whispered, shaking Adam awake.
‘One minute I was at a memorial service, and the next, I was in the passenger seat of our car and it was just spinning out of control.'
‘That's weird,' Adam admitted, stroking my arm. ‘Must be your pregnancy hormones taking over.'
I nodded, but I even convinced myself that I could smell burning petrol in the house. Don't be daft, I told myself. So I put the worries to the back of my mind and, soon enough, we were going for my 20-week scan.
When the sonographer asked if we wanted to know the sex, Adam left the room. ‘I want it to be a surprise,' he said.
But I couldn't resist and afterwards rushed out to him. ‘It's a boy!' I laughed.
‘Brilliant!' Adam gasped. Our little family was complete.
He was a mad-keen Southampton fan. ‘I can't wait to take him to a match,' he grinned. And just a few days later, I felt the baby's first kick, and called Adam over. ‘Woah! He's a strong one,' he grinned.
We settled on the name Jaycob and just two weeks later, made plans for a romantic break to Edinburgh. ‘It'll be our last chance for some cosy couple time!' Adam smiled.
The following day, he went off to work, leaving me to sleep in. It was 8.30am before I padded into the girls' room to wake them.
As I looked through their window, I spotted a police car outside. A chill ran down my spine as the doorbell rang.
I rushed downstairs and opened the door to find two grim-faced officers. ‘Mrs Buddin?' one asked.
I nodded. They ushered me inside and I sat down on the stairs in the hallway.
‘There's been an accident,' one began.
‘Adam?' I cried. ‘Has he been taken to the hospital?'
‘I'm so sorry,' the officer said slowly. ‘It's a fatality.'
Fatality. One little word. But it smashed my world into a thousand pieces.
‘No. Adam's not dead!' I screamed. ‘I'm expecting our baby.' Somehow, I rang my mum Sue. When she arrived. I collapsed in her arms.
‘How can he be dead?' I sobbed. ‘How can I tell the girls that Daddy's not coming home?'
‘I know, darling,' she croaked. ‘Try and be strong, think of the baby.' So despite the hollowness in my heart, I scraped up every last shard of strength and sat Kayleigh down. Her sister was too young to understand.
‘Daddy's broken and he just can't be fixed,' I sobbed. ‘He's gone up to heaven.'
‘But Grampy's good at fixing things,' she beamed. ‘Maybe he can fix Daddy. Get his ladder and bring Daddy back down.'
I hugged her tighter and let my tears fall. My kids had lost their daddy. I was a widow at 28.
Suddenly, I thought back to the morning of Adam's 30th birthday six months earlier when, unknown to him, I'd organised a surprise party.
‘So have you got everything you hoped you'd have by the age of 30?' I'd teased him.
‘Well, I‘ve got a gorgeous wife,' he grinned. ‘And two beautiful daughters... A little boy would be the icing on the cake!'
‘Really?' I grinned. Just a month later, we'd discovered I was pregnant. Now Adam would never meet his son.
Whenever the baby kicked, grief stabbed my heart all over again. ‘Why did you leave me?' I'd sob.
Then, finally, the police came with more news.
‘Adam was driving well under the 60mph speed limit,' the police liaison officer explained.
‘For some reason he suddenly lurched the steering wheel to the left. It sent the car into a spin.'
My skin tingled. Spin? Had my dream been some sort of haunting premonition?
As the car had spun, a woman driving round a bend had crashed into Adam. The petrol tank had exploded, setting the car ablaze.‘We think Adam was killed instantly,' the officer reassured me. ‘He wouldn't have been in any pain.'
Witnesses said they saw a homeless man stumbling around just before the accident, and police believed Adam swerved to avoid hitting him. Nobody would ever know though.
I needed to be with Adam one last time. So the police took me to the mortuary at the hospital where, just two weeks before, we'd gone for our baby scan.
‘If you touch him, he'll crumble,' the mortician warned.
His body was so fragile all I could do was sit by him. He was covered from head to toe by a blanket, but I felt it was him.
‘I love you so much,' I wept, holding his gold necklace. ‘I'll make sure your son knows all about you.'
We cremated Adam with the first scan picture of Jaycob and pictures of the girls. ‘So you'll have a piece of them all in heaven,' I whispered.
I managed to get by, day to day, but when I was in labour,
I went to pieces.
‘Adam should be here,' I wept to Mum. ‘He is,' she promised. ‘He's in your heart.'
And when 7lb 6oz Jaycob finally arrived, I felt a mixture
of happiness and sadness. ‘You've got your daddy's hazel eyes,' I wept. ‘If only he could have held you just once.'
Back home, Jaycob gave us a reason to smile. But the girls missed Adam so much.
A few months after he died, Kayleigh turned to me one day and said: ‘Can you go Mummy, and let Daddy come back?'
I felt the familiar tears sting my eyes. ‘Oh darling,' I whispered, hugging her tight.
As Jaycob grew, he became football-mad, just like his daddy. He even slept with a ball.
Although Adam's been gone six years, I still think about that dream I had. I can't torture myself thinking about it, though. Instead, I focus on my family.
I've explained to Jaycob that his daddy had an accident but is always looking after him.
And, one day, I know he'll get that first cuddle he was so excited about.
Joanna Buddin, 35, Bicester, Oxfordshire