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Escaping the past

I've learned good can come from bad


Published by: Laura Hinton and Emma Shephard
Published on: 31st August 2010

Parents – their roles are endless, from nurse and teacher to best friend. In return, I tried to make mine proud of me.
But it seemed whatever I did never even raised a smile with my foster dad…
Racing home, clutching the results of my latest spelling test, I couldn’t wait to tell him I’d got eight out of 10. ‘Dad, I got my results,’ I called, bursting through the front door.
Standing over me, he snatched my test paper. ‘Uh,’ he snorted. ‘Couldn’t do any better than that?’
‘I’ve been prac…’ I started, stomach lurching.
‘Get up to your room,’ he spat. ‘You’re pathetic!’
He grabbed my school shirt and dragged me upstairs. Throwing me on to my bedroom floor, the blows began to rain down on my back as he punched me over and over again. ‘Please Dad!’ I whimpered. 
But nothing would stop him. I knew what would follow later. Laying in bed that night, I heard his heavy footsteps outside my door. Held my breath as they came into my dark room, paused, then my bed creaked as he climbed in…
After my foster mum died when I was 10, Dad focused all his grief on me, and things got even worse.
The only time I was allowed out of the house was to go to the theatre group once a week. And I loved it. On stage, I could be anyone I wanted. No one needed to know about my abusive home life.
Acting gave me the guts to leave home at 17. But a couple of years later, I discovered he was dying. Was I really brave enough to face him one last time?
Frail and now blind on his deathbed, my father repeatedly mumbled my name. Gasping through his tears, he took a deep breath. ‘I haven’t been a good father to you.’
I kept my mouth shut. Nothing he said now would make up for he’d done.
Although it felt like I’d escaped him, I still couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone what I’d been through.
Pouring myself into work as an acoustic singer and songwriter, my music gave me the comfort I needed. Then in 2003, I was spotted by a record company. ‘We see something in you,’ one producer said after a gig. ‘We want to sign you up.’
Someone really thinks I’m good enough to do this?
My debut single was released at the end of 2003.
It was only when people started recognising me, I realised I’d become a role model for other girls. After 12 years of keeping the abuse quiet, I wanted to do something positive.
That’s why I now work with Barnardo’s and RASASC (Rape And Sexual Abuse Support Centre), making speeches.
I’m at peace with my past. And knowing other victims can be inspired by how I’ve channelled my demons for the better gives me comfort, good really can come out of bad.
• Visit www.barnardos.org.uk and www.rasasc-guildford.org
Kezi Silverstone, 37, Surrey Hills, Surrey