Going bonk in the night

Our two ghosts have a one track mind

Published by: Polly Taylor
Published on: 27th January 2011

The second I laid my head on the pillow, I knew I wasn’t going to get a wink of sleep – my hubby Jason, 48, was laying beside me snoring like a jumbo jet ready to take off! Well,
I was ready to take off, too!
‘I’m glad someone’s getting a good night’s sleep!’ I huffed, climbing out of bed and tiptoeing to the spare room. Although we’d been together nine years, Jason and me had only lived together for three. And I’d spent most of that time sleeping in the spare room because of his dreadful snoring.
As I settled into the spare bed, though, I still couldn’t drift off to sleep – there was another sound drifting down the corridor from the bedroom. It was… a woman’s voice!
No mistaking it, it sounded like a phone call being played on speakerphone. My daughter Victoria, 13, was with a friend. That meant it had to be Jason.
Straining to hear, I couldn’t believe my ears. ‘Oh yeah… like that, you dirty boy…’ the woman purred, giving a throaty laugh.
Not just a phone call – a mucky phone call! I couldn’t believe it. Jason had been seeing someone behind my back, and now he was talking dirty on the phone to her with me in the next room.
Not two minutes after I’d got out of bed as well. How could he do this to me? Furious, I leaped up and crept down the corridor, determined to catch him in the act. I pushed open the bedroom door…
The room fell silent.
‘Jason!’ I yelled. Nothing. In fact, he was in the exact same position I’d left him in, his deep, guttural snores echoing around the room. ‘Jason?!’ I hissed, gripping his shoulders and shaking him awake. ‘Who were you on the phone to?’
‘Uh? W-what?’ he croaked, turning over and rubbing his eyes. ‘No one!’
Confused, I flicked on the light and looked around the room. Wait a minute… Jason’s phone was on the table over the other side of the room. I checked it. His call lists showed no recent calls. ‘You’re going mad, love,’ he tutted, rolling over.
‘Sorry,’ I gulped,
shaking my head. ‘I thought I heard… never mind.’
Turning the light off, I went back to the spare room. I was sure I’d heard something, though. If Jason hadn’t been on the phone to someone, then where on earth had the voice come from?
I tried to push the strange incident to the back of my mind. But the next night, exactly the same thing happened again! And the night after that. ‘Go on, give it to me!’ the woman growled, clear as day. But each time I burst into the bedroom, I found Jason sleeping soundly.
‘You’ve got to stop this, Susie,’ he grumbled. ‘You’re imagining things!’
Was I? No, that voice had to be coming from somewhere….
One morning, after yet another sleepless night, I decided to confront Jason. ‘Are you having an affair?’ I asked nervously. He almost spat out his coffee.
‘Of course not!’ he spluttered. ‘Is this about those strange voices again?’
‘I’m not making it up!’ I insisted. That night, guilty for jumping to conclusions, I decided to make amends to Jason. ‘Fancy an early night?’ I winked.
‘Why not?’ he grinned, jumping into bed. Kisses, cuddles… then we were really getting down to business when… Creak… Crash!
‘What was that?’ I gasped, fumbling in the dark for the light switch. Turning it on, I expected to see our dog Sophie tearing about, knocking things over. But she was nowhere to be seen, everything looked normal.
‘Must’ve been next-door,’ Jason shrugged, flicking the lamp back off. So we got back to it, until…
‘Pervert!’ A deep voice echoed through the room, stopping us dead in our tracks. A shiver ran down my spine. What the hell?!
‘What did you just call me?’ Jason asked, voice shaking.
‘I didn’t say a word,’ I insisted. Flicking the light back on, we stared at each other in disbelief. Neither of us had opened our mouths, yet someone had definitely just spoken.
As we clung to each other, too frightened to speak, a thin, blue mist surrounded us and, suddenly, the temperature dropped until it was freezing cold. ‘Oh my…’ I breathed, teeth chattering.
And then, quick as a flash, the temperature returned to normal. ‘What was that?’ I wailed, leaping off the bed and getting dressed.
‘No idea!’ Jason shrieked, tugging his trousers on.
Running downstairs together, we were both shaken. ‘I think the house might be haunted,’ I gulped. ‘I’ve been hearing voices for weeks.’
‘And now this,’ Jason nodded.
I wasn’t going mad!
‘But the voice I heard was a woman,’ I said. ‘That one was definitely a man.’
‘And one was talking dirty,’ Jason frowned. ‘While the other was watching us have sex!’
Not only did we have two ghosts, but they both had one-track minds!
Despite feeling spooked, Jason and me agreed to carry on as normal. ‘Hopefully, they’ll get bored and leave us alone,’ he said.
Unfortunately, the opposite was true. Our united front only seemed to spur on the perverted pair.
‘Go on!’ they’d encourage from the darkness, whenever we were at it beneath the sheets. Each time we had sex, they got ruder and ruder until… well, if I was to repeat what they’d said, the air around you would turn blue!
A few weeks later, we asked the local vicar to visit our house. Surely he could rid it of spirits?
‘You’ve got a multiple haunting,’ he said, walking into the bedroom. ‘I think the male ghost came first, then the female followed!’
‘Typical!’ I nudged Jason.
The vicar blessed the house, saying prayers in all the rooms.
And, for the next few weeks, we didn’t hear a peep from our pervy pals.
Then, one day in the shower, I froze.
The water turned icy – and a cold hand grabbed at my bum!
‘Jason!’ I shrieked. ‘They’re back!’
After that, we started hearing lusty noises throughout the house again. Seemed that they’d fallen in love.
‘Maybe they’ll stop perving on us now they’ve got each other,’ joked Jason.
And they did!
Don’t get me wrong, we still
get the odd bit of naughty commentary when we’re in the sack. But, mostly, they’re just concerned with each other rather than anyone else they might be ogling!
Susie Smith, 40, Kingís Lynn, Norfolk