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Holly's heavenly poem

I thought my heart would break until I made an unexpected find...


Published by: Rebecca Rampling and Polly Taylor
Published on: 16th August 2010

Bounding into the house, my daughter Holly wrapped her arms round my waist.
‘Mum, it was amazing!’ she squealed.
‘I take it you had a good time?’ I chuckled. Her dad Vince and me were no longer together, but he’d taken her to a Miley Cyrus concert.
‘She was so pretty,’ she beamed, twirling round. ‘She sang all her hits and…’
It was great to see her back on her feet properly. Six months ago, things had been so different…
Picking her up from her street dance class, I’d noticed she’d been limping. I’d thought she’d bruised her leg, but the following day her limp was worse.
After school, she’d flopped on to the sofa, exhausted. It just wasn’t like her.
‘Dance with me!’ her little sister Izzy, two, had begged, holding out her hands.
But Holly, 11, had been too weak.
‘Come on, love,’ I’d coaxed, making her favourite bacon sandwich with ketchup. She’d never turned one down. She did that day.
Worried, I’d taken her to hospital. The diagnosis had been far worse than I’d ever expected.
Holly had neuroblastoma cancer. It had been attacking her nervous system and she needed chemotherapy. Explaining it to her, she’d seemed so brave. She’d wiped her eyes and smiled.
‘I’m going to get better, Mummy,’ she’d said.
The first round of chemo had hit her hard. Her long, brown hair had fallen out, but her smile had never faltered. Rummaging through her drawers, she’d found a bright pink headscarf and wrapped it around her head.
Finally, Holly had got the all- clear. Now, chattering about the concert, it seemed her bravery had paid off.
The following week, I took her to see the musical Hairspray.
Clapping and singing along to the music, she couldn’t have looked happier. ‘I’m going to teach Izzy these moves when we get home,’ she giggled.
She did, too. And next day, when I collected Holly from school, she was full of beans, but…
My heart lurched. Was it my imagination or was she limping?
Over the next few days, she started to complain that her leg ached. I took her back to hospital.
Sitting with the doctor, I tried telling myself I was overreacting, but his grave face said it all…
‘The cancer’s back,’ he said. ‘It’s spread to Holly’s bone marrow, she needs more chemo.’
‘Will it work?’ I asked.
‘We can’t be sure. This time it’s even more serious,’ he sighed.
We’d booked a trip to Center Parcs, but the doctor told me to bring it forward, so we could start treatment fast.
Holly loved to swim. Arriving at the pool, her eyes were wide with astonishment.
‘It’s huge!’ she cried, slipping on her bright blue goggles and jumping in.
Watching her whiz down the waterslide with her brother Harry, one, on her lap, you’d never have guessed there was anything wrong at all.
Once back, the results revealed how badly her body was being ravaged by cancer.
‘There’s nothing more we can do,’ the doctor said. ‘I’m sorry.’
For a second, time stopped. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t take it in.
How was I going to tell my girl she was… I couldn’t even think the word.
Walking into Holly’s room, I forced my breathing to slow.
Holly was watching Hannah Montana DVDs. She looked up and gave me a beaming smile.
‘Hiya!’ she sang, patting the bed. I sat down and snuggled up to her.
‘Mummy…?’ she said, noticing the tears in my eyes. ‘You’re going to tell me I’ve got six months to live.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m sorry, darling, you’ve not got that long,’ I managed.
‘But, Mum,’ she said, sounding scared for the first time. ‘Where will I go?’
‘To heaven, my darling,’ I whispered.
Straightaway, she started being sick, complaining her body ached all over. She was no longer strong enough to go to school. Instead, she spent her days snuggled up with Izzy watching CBeebies, as Harry tickled her feet.
Two days after the diagnosis, she was in and out of consciousness.
After six days, her breathing grew fast.
‘Fly high, my angel,’ I whispered gently.
Kissing her one last time, she took her final breath. Suddenly, the house seemed so quiet.
For her funeral, I insisted everyone wore bright colours like Holly always had.
We played her favourite song – Defying Gravity from the musical Wicked.
Whenever I walked past her bedroom and saw the green and pink wallpaper she’d chosen herself, I felt a blow to the stomach. Only Izzy and Harry kept me going.
One evening, I smiled as their giggles filled the bathroom.
But then Izzy turned to me. ‘Mummy,’ she said. ‘When’s Holly coming back from heaven to dance with me?’ It felt like my heart would break.
Months passed before I could face clearing out Holly’s room.
As I slowly packed away her favourite Jacqueline Wilson books, I spotted a notebook covered in her handwriting. Opening it, I began to read:
I may be ill and have little hair
But everything you have to bear…
It was a poem about her cancer… I never even knew she’d written it.
Look to the future, don’t look back on the past
Always be positive and time will go fast.
It was like my little girl was speaking to me from heaven.
Even near death, she’d been so brave. From that moment, I knew I had to be as strong as her.
Whenever I feel like giving up, I reach for my bedside table where I keep Holly’s notebook, and read her beautiful words. It’s not easy, but her poem gives me the strength to carry on.
Kerry Calenti, 35, Cheshunt, Hertfordshire