Willy or won't he?!

Paul might've had a tiny todger- but was he also a very big liar...?

Published by: Judy Broadbent and Laura Hinton
Published on: 29 September 2011

They say you find love when you're not looking, and it seemed they were right! Having just broken up with my ideal boyfriend - tall, skinny and dark-haired - I was in no mood for dating. Then I'd met Paul Cook, 27, on Facebook.
Normally, I wouldn't have looked twice at him, with his stocky frame and ginger hair but, even though I'd only seen a photo, he looked cute. Plus, he'd already sent me a bunch of white roses!
Now here I was waiting to go on our first date, a surprise trip.
‘Wow,' he gasped, arriving at my parents' house. ‘You're more beautiful in the flesh. Now, how does Thorpe Park sound?'
While we hit the rides, Paul told me he'd split from his ex a couple of months ago and was a single dad to their daughter Hayley, nine.
‘It's hard work, but I wouldn't change her for the world,' he smiled. Seeing the pride on his face as he showed a picture of her... Well, I might not have been looking for love, but I was hooked.
Soon we were dating and, even though he was busy with Hayley, he made time to see me for an hour or so each day.
But his visits always seemed fleeting. ‘Got to head back and cook dinner,' he'd say.
‘It's time I went and helped Hayley with homework,' he'd smile apologetically.
Still, I didn't mind. I was flattered by the attention, but accepted she came first.
I wasn't even bothered about the fact his ex Claire often called him.
‘Sorry,' he cringed as his phone rang while we were watching telly.
He'd been honest from the start, saying she wasn't happy he'd met someone new.
‘I hate lying to her about where I am,' he sighed, after telling her he was working late.
Still, three months into our relationship and I was wondering if Paul really did want to be with me. After all, we hadn't slept together yet.
Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to rush in to anything, but three months without a single hint of bedroom gymnastics? Worried, and embarrassed to bring it up face-to-face, I text Paul.
Is everything okay between us? it's just we haven't, you know... I typed to him.
I didn't want you to think I was only after sex, he replied. And it's awkward, you live with your parents, I have Hayley.
I sighed, relieved. He couldn't have been any more of a gentleman. Besides, as a childminder, I knew it was important Daddy's new girlfriend wasn't introduced too soon.
Then my phone beeped again.
Plus, I'm not that big down there, Paul had text.
Why should that be a problem? I'd already proved his looks didn't matter, so why should size?
It's what you do with it that counts, I text back cheekily. Besides, I love you, not your bits!
Then, feeling braver, I asked for a naughty picture. Seconds later, his tackle popped up on my BlackBerry.
Okay, it was more cocktail sausage than big banger, but what I'd said was true, size wasn't important.
Still, a week later, when Paul suggested we get a room at the local Premier Inn, I couldn't wait to feast my eyes on his meat and two veg for real!
True, his todger was tiny, but the poor bloke could do with a confidence boost... so I lied.
‘Well, after that night of passion you won't hear me complaining, I fibbed. ‘You've got nothing to worry about.'
Suddenly, his phone rang. ‘It's Claire, calling to check on me,' he said, then answered his phone.
‘I'm out with friends,' he sighed. ‘Yeah... okay...'
Saying goodbye, he turned to me.‘I have to go, Hayley's been sick and she's asking for me.'
For the next few months, we continued meeting in hotels for naughty nights together. Yet sometimes it felt like there were three people in the relationship. As we saw more of each other, Paul received more calls from his ex.
Why couldn't she move on like he had? To be honest, I was torn between annoyance and pity for her. Especially when Paul came up with an idea...
‘We must have seen every hotel in Enfield,' he sighed one night. ‘Maybe it's time we moved in together. I reckon Waltham Abbey would be nice.'
‘Anywhere would be nice with you,' I chuckled, popping a kiss on his head. Then groaned as, right on cue, his phone rang.
‘Claire?' I asked. He nodded.
The next day, flicking through the Next catalogue and cutting out pictures of things I'd like for the new house, I decided Claire needed to know I wasn't a threat.
Poor woman was probably not so much worried about me as a romantic replacement, more as the future step-mum of her daughter. Of course she was concerned. So, I sent her a message on Facebook.
Hi, I'm Kristina, Paul's girlfriend... I wrote.
Minutes later, I got a reply. Who the hell is this? Paul's my partner of 11 years. We live together!
Heart thumping, I read the message again. There had to be a mistake. But, no, this was the right person, there was Hayley in her profile picture.
Shakily I replied, explaining we'd been together a year. Suddenly, my phone rang.
‘He'll never leave his family for you.' It was Claire.
‘I-I didn't know you were still together,' I spluttered.
Then, in the background, I heard Paul begging for forgiveness - from her, not me!
Suddenly, I saw things clearly. The fleeting visits, the phone calls, not being invited back to his place. He'd been with Claire the whole time, and she'd been calling to check up on him.
The lying, cheating scumbag!
Later, Paul called. ‘I never want to see you again,' I fumed. ‘How could you do this to me?'
‘I was just after sex,' he said.
‘Well, you and your tiny bits were rubbish!' I spat, hanging up.
It's been a month since I heard from Paul, which is fine by me. I wasn't looking for love when we met, and now I wish I hadn't looked twice at him.
Still, he's taught me a valuable lesson - I won't be downsizing again!

Paul Cook, 27, Enfield Lock, London, said: ‘It was just sex with Kristina. I know she fell in love with me, but I've stayed with my partner.
‘She's a conniving little cow, she wants to split me and my partner up and it's not going to work. My family comes first.'

Kristina Djemal, 26, Enfield, London