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Starved of my love

Had Daddy really decided to turn over a new leaf...?


Published by: Jessica Gibb and Sharon Ward
Published on: 24 May 2012

The smell of freshly baked cookies wafting out of the oven brought my son Tyler, three, charging into the room. ‘Are they ready, Mummy?' he asked, jumping up and down in excitement.
‘Yes they are, but don't touch them yet, they're hot!' I warned. Then I turned and called. ‘Ariana, do you want one?'
‘Mmm-hmm,' my two-year-old daughter answered. Blowing on the hot biscuits, I gave one to Tyler, then took the plate in to Ariana. She was hard at work on her picture book. She loved colouring in, and kept all her drawings in a book bag that went everywhere with her.
Just then, the phone rang.
‘Hi Jamie, it's Chris.' My stomach sank. It was my ex-husband, the kids' dad. He'd not been in touch since I'd divorced him three years ago - what on earth had brought him crawling out of the woodwork?
Thinking back to the last time I'd seen him sent a shiver down my spine. Ariana had just been born and Tyler was one. I'd been cradling the baby when Chris had stormed into the room.
‘Do something with him,' he'd shouted, pointing at Tyler, who was just starting to cry.
‘Okay, I'm just putting Ariana down to sleep,' I'd said, moving towards the cot.
‘No, now!' he'd exploded. And, rushing forward, he'd head-butted me in the face. I felt a rush of pain, then hot blood had dripped from my broken nose.
He'd hit me! Worse, he'd done it while I was holding a defenceless baby. Terrified, I'd clutched my daughter close to me. As Chris stalked off, my blood had dripped all over her. And that had been it, the final straw.
‘That man has bullied and hurt me for the last time,' I'd vowed to myself.
I'd taken Tyler and Ariana and gone straight to the police. I had a restraining order made against Chris, then I'd gone to court to obtain full custody of the kids.
I hadn't heard anything from him since. Until now. Over the last three years, it'd been a struggle as a single mum, but I loved every minute of it. We didn't need him ruining our lives.
‘I want to see my kids,' he said, reasonably. ‘I've got a new girlfriend and we've had a son together, and... well, I've changed,' he added. ‘I'd like them to meet their brother,'
He sounded genuine. Maybe me standing up to him and taking the kids away had been the shock he'd needed to sort himself out. Goodness knows he'd needed to.
Now he had another child. He'd have practised his parenting skills a bit more, and realised what his unreasonable actions had robbed him of - two beautiful, funny, perfect kids. It seemed a shame for him and the children to miss out on their relationship.
And I was sure they'd adore their little brother. So I decided to give Chris a chance. I agreed to meet him at a park.
He'd brought two-year-old Christopher Jr with him, and it was reassuring to see how great he was with his son.
‘This is Daddy,' I said, as I'd introduced Ariana and Tyler to their father. They'd both been too young to remember the last time they saw him.
‘Hello,' Chris said, dropping to his knees and stretching out his arms for a hug. Then they all ran off to play on the swings.
‘Daddy, look! Daddy, look!' my little ones shouted.
When it was time to go home, Chris took me aside. ‘Thanks for today,' he said.
Wow, he really had changed! ‘It's okay, I think they enjoyed it,' I smiled.
Over the next few weeks, Chris called regularly to chat to the kids. He impressed me so much, a month later I agreed to let them stay at his and his girlfriend Reina's house overnight.
That night went well. I was so glad that the kids finally had a relationship with their father. A few weeks later, Chris asked if they could stay again, this time for the whole weekend.
‘I want to take my Scooby Doo DVD to show my brother,' Tyler grinned when he heard.
When we arrived, Reina let us in, and the kids ran to the bedroom to play with Christopher Jr.
‘Where's Chris?' I asked.
‘Oh, he's at work, he'll be back later,' Reina had said.
‘Ariana! Tyler!' I called. They came running out and threw their arms around me. ‘I love you,' I said. ‘Be good for Daddy.'
‘We will!' they babbled.
I called them the next day to make sure they were okay. ‘I've got new clothes!' Ariana told me.
‘I'm playing with a truck!' Tyler said. They were so excited, they fought over the phone to tell me about all of their fun. I admit I felt a stab of jealousy, but I had to be strong.
Then on Sunday, Chris called and said one of his work colleague's kids was having a birthday party.
‘Can I have the kids for another night?' he asked.
‘Well, I'm not sure,' I said. The truth was I really missed them - it was a long time for them to be away. But I decided to let them.
On the Monday, when Chris still wasn't ready to give them up, I let him have them for a few more days. But after a fortnight of excuses, I was really suspicious. What if he was trying to keep them away from me, because I'd kept them away from him?! Was this some twisted pay-back plan?
I called the police and went with them to his house. I waited outside while the police talked to him.
‘I'm afraid he's got an order to change the custody,' I was told minutes later.
‘W-what?' I stuttered.
‘We've spoken to social services and there's a charge against you. He says you're an unfit mother,' the officer said. ‘We're going to have to leave the children with their father until this is investigated.'
My head span. I couldn't believe it. The man who was violent to me for years was calling me an unfit mother! What's more, the police said if I returned to the house, they'd have no choice but to arrest me.
Typical, manipulative Chris! I was furious with him - and with myself for giving him a second chance. He'd lie until he was blue in the face...
When we'd been married, he'd thrown lamps and books across the room at me, and even punched me in the face. But he'd never admitted his violence. ‘She's walked into a door,' he'd tell friends who noticed my black eye.
Now, social services were being fooled by the same tricks. ‘I had a court order giving me full custody,' I explained on the phone. ‘He's got police convictions against him for domestic violence.'
‘If this guy was so bad, why would you even give your kids to him in the first place?' the woman asked.
‘I... I... don't know,' I stuttered, as tears streamed down my cheeks. They were right. I should have known better. But I wouldn't give up.
Despite the police warning, I went to the house and banged on the door. No one there. And he'd changed his phone number.
Weeks turned into months. I was a lost soul - I used to spend every day with my children, but now I never saw them.
A year on, a story on the news caught my attention. ‘The body of a young girl has been found in a storage unit,' the newsreader said. It was the same storage unit me and Chris had used when we were first married.
I told myself I was crazy - I was totally over-reacting. Then I rang my mum Linda, 58. ‘I think it's Ariana,' I told her.
‘Don't be silly, they're both fine,' she reassured me. But I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I hadn't heard from my children for a year.
Next day, the police came to my house. For a second, I shook, worried, but the officer started with an apology. ‘I'm, umm, afraid your case slipped through the cracks,' he began.
So everything was fine, and now I'd get the kids back! ‘Never mind, you're finally here to help,' I smiled.
‘Umm... based on information we have, we think we've found your daughter Ariana's body,' the police officer said.
Body? I was so shocked, I didn't cry. I couldn't say anything. ‘What about Tyler?' I finally managed.
‘We think he's also dead' he said gently. ‘But we haven't found his body yet. Your ex-husband and his girlfriend Reina have been arrested in connection with the discovery of Ariana.'
The police told me the couple had hidden her body in the locker at the storage unit. When they didn't pay the fees, the contents had been put out into the bin. That's when Ariana's body had been found in a holdall - she'd been there for about six months.
Why? Why fight to keep the kids when he didn't want them? Why would he hurt them?
Police searched for Tyler's body for three days at a landfill site, where rubbish from the storage unit was taken. There was no sign of my son. I had to accept that he'd never be found, I'd never get to say goodbye to him. Can you imagine anything harder for a mother?
Six months later, Ariana's body was finally released to me. She was wrapped tightly in a blue blanket. ‘Don't open the blanket to look at her, she's not the same,' I was warned.
I took her tiny body in my arms. When I felt the fragile weight, tears streamed down my cheeks - I swear she was barely heavier than when Chris had hit me, when I'd vowed he'd never hurt me again...
‘My baby,' I murmured. ‘My poor, sweet little baby.'
Eventually, someone came and gently told me that it was time to leave her. I couldn't let go.
‘I left her once, I'm not going to leave her again!' I screamed.
But all the tears in the world wouldn't bring her and Tyler back now. At just three and four years, their lives were over. Finally, I forced my fingers to uncurl, and I gently laid Ariana down.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
A year later, when the case went to court, I found out the extent of Ariana's injuries. She had many broken bones, including a vertebra,12 ribs, and one of her shoulder blades. Some injuries showed signs of healing, which meant they'd happened weeks or months before she died. My poor baby must have suffered so much.
Chris had locked Ariana and Tyler in a closet for six months. The children became so desperate to escape, they'd clawed a hole in the wall with their bare fingernails. The innocent mites had eventually died of starvation.
Meanwhile, my evil ex had fed and cared for Christopher Jr and Reina. She testified against him, to avoid the death penalty. She told the court how they'd become heroin-dependent and locked the children in the closet.
My stomach twisted as I heard how my babies had wailed for me again and again, ‘I want Mummy.' It had just made Chris angrier, though. If only I'd heard them, if only I'd known.
Then, one day, Chris and Reina had taken Ariana out of the cupboard and realised she was dead. Panicking, they'd locked her body back in with Tyler. A week later, he was dead too.
That's when they'd taken the bodies to the storage unit.
Reina Gonzales was found guilty of second-degree murder and given 22 years in prison. Chris was found guilty of two counts of first-degree murder and given the death penalty. Christopher Jr was fostered.
Now I'm trying to live my life, but how can I? Every single day I'm haunted by what happened. I think about what my children would look like now, how beautiful they both were.
They shouldn't have died. That's why I've set up a charity called The Miles Payne Foundation in their memory. We help people who have lost their child, or who are going through similar experiences, to pay for headstones or offer support.
I'll never get to hold Tyler or kiss him goodbye.
But I'll never let go of the memory of my tiny angels, like they never let go of me.

Jamie Hallam, 35, Eaton Town, New Jersey